Geez…A Year.

A year since I’ve written here…

So much has changed. I reread some of my previous blogs and how true so much of it is – and how much has changed.

What I thought could be a wonderful Chapter 2 – was indeed just another chapter in a book. Since then, I’ve taken to the thought that it isn’t about writing Chapter 2 or that the first line in Chapter 2 needs to be centered around finding another person. I’m a bit against that really. It doesn’t sit well with the fiber of my being. Honestly it never has as I just do not believe that Chapter 2 has to be defined as meeting someone new after the loss of a spouse…

Instead, I’m on Book 2. And no, it does not include a significant other (yet). But damn, the opening chapters are amazing.

I sold my beautiful house, packed up all of my belongings, loaded my son, three cats, two birds and a Nanna, into my car for a 3 day journey across the country to our new home. I didn’t move because of a job. I didn’t move because of a significant other. I moved because I wanted to. I moved because I miss being able to get into nature, to drive a short distance to the coast or the mountains. I moved because I wanted to provide my son with more than what I could give him in KC. I moved because I wanted more. I wanted different.

And boy did people think I was crazy. Here is a 40 year-old widow moving with her child across the country away from “support” and “family”. Yup.

As I sit here and write this, I too am a little shocked that I did this. What the hell was I thinking? Well, I was thinking that I needed my life and I wasn’t getting that back in KC. I wanted to leave a world that I grew up in. I wanted to create something new for myself and for my son. I created a life here in Portland with my late husband and it came with challenges as I had never lived away from what I had known, before. However, it also came with amazing opportunities and I grew up so much and we grew up and became ‘adults’ here. I didn’t move back here in search of that life as I know too too well that there is no recreating…and I don’t want that. I deliberately found a house on the other side of the city from where we lived – well – not completely the other side. I’m still on the same side of the river but the area is unfamiliar to me and that is exactly what I wanted. Even with being deliberate in that way, maybe for the sake of what other’s thought, still being close to and surrounded by the things we loved about living here, has unexpectedly been a gift. A huge gift to both myself and my son. For the first time in his short life, I see him light up when I show him where his Daddy took him for his first slide. I see his heart open up and a sense of “so she didn’t make this shit up”, when I tell him that his Daddy and I hiked this same trail when he was a baby. He’s finding joy in really knowing that his life started here.

I’m finding joy and my heart filled as I feel like I have come home. This place, this place is truly where my life started. It is a place where my life took a turn. it is a place where I have always felt a deep connection with. It is the place where my Book 2 has started.

I am beyond excited to see what I write and where life takes me. My time here, now, will be vastly different than what it was before. There is so much more understanding of life, of living. And believe me – I plan to live.

So welcome. Welcome to Book 2 of my life. You’ll be seeing me here a lot more.

Into the Wild – Part Deux

It’s amazing that the moment I start down the path of getting back into the dating scene – my cup runneth over. I’m surprised to say that the few dates I’ve been on have been really great. All of a sudden, it seems that there just may be some decent guys out there.

It’s hard though. The thought of someone else. I try not to compare and do pretty well with that but what I am finding really hard is to find someone that will truly take my entire life – kid, death, everything. And when do you take a step back and just say “your really great…but…”? I have friends telling me to just enjoy myself and just get back into meeting people and being out. Easier said than done.

I’ve never been a big dater. When I found Doug, well, we were engaged within 9 months. It was easy then – we were made for each other. I wonder if I will have that again? If it is really out there. Then I skip so far ahead and imagine myself in a long-term relationship and whether or not I would be willing to compromise and change my life for someone else? Would I be willing to give up my house and move? Would I move across the city or out to the country? How would I fit into all of it? How much control would I be willing to give up? Would I really be able to take a leap with both feet? Or would I always have one planted firmly on the ground and an escape door partially open next to me?

I try not to get ahead of myself. It’s hard because there are just so many variables dating in your late 30’s as a widow with a child.

A month into this and I think it would just be easier to be single…

Apparently, it’s going to take a very strong and interesting person to make me feel completely comfortable with moving anywhere near forward…

…and that is when I wish for Doug back. It was so easy with him. We matched so well.

I wish for that easiness again.