Today I headed out to get a health work-up for a life insurance policy and was met with a scary number on the scale…a number I’ve never seen before. The nurse I was working with me was trying to carry on a conversation but when that number hit – I heard nothing accept my inner brain telling myself over and over that I am not a number and to not go down that self-defeating path.
It’s been a little strange the past few years. I feel that I’ve just been packing on the pounds for little reason, not feeling my best, and struggling with some crazy thyroid and anemia issues. All of these things, I know, are factors that are inhibiting me losing weight but honestly – what the hell am I doing all day? I stopped working out when I moved here three years ago. I blamed it on not being able to find a gym that I felt comfortable in (I don’t like the huge gyms) and then things were just busy. Its amazing how things just simply get out of hand.
About two months ago, I decided that I needed to change something and so I got some weight equipment and set up a sweet area in my garage. I started lifting again but then got derailed for about three weeks. This time, it was simply all mental. My in-laws came in and honestly, they are just not my kind of people. They are truly difficult to be around or really want to be friends with. Between the judging stares, the snide comments, the quest for everything to be perfect in their lives…it really is tiring and trying for me. My late husband is so different from his brother that at times I wonder how they even came from the same family. Then, my sister-in-law has been telling me all about how hard she’s been working out and losing 15 pounds in two weeks. Granted, the girl is cut and looks great but now she’s off for a boob job and losing that much in such a short amount of time…I worry for her. However, their marriage and their life has always been centered around having the right things and looking the right way. Hell, when I asked my nephew how he was invited to a soccer camp/training in Spain, he replied, “well, if you can afford it, you can go”.
That statement sums up who they are and why is this bothering me so much?!
First, they just aren’t my kind of people and I’ve hit the point where I just do not need unsupportive, judgey people in my life. They were out here simply because they felt it was their duty. I am not doing that any longer and I have put way too much stock in keeping them a part of our lives for the sake of my late husband and our son. This is hard to get past. Second, I know I’ve gained weight and I have lights hanging from my kitchen because I haven’t gotten around to finishing my ceiling, my dining room is still not completely painted, my guest bathroom is not finished from renovations I started two years ago, and basically things are not perfect and it does bother me but it bothers me even more when guests walk in, family walks in, and instead of enjoying being with each other, it is all judgement and no human connection.
It is amazing how shut off my brother-in-law is and this experience made me realize that he is so incredibly frightened of truly connecting to people, other than a select few. When I asked him why he leases his car, he stated he needs to keep appearances for his clients. Clients that typically see him in cities other than his own and in a rental car. He’s achieved a status that his late father always desired but never achieved. This is his path. My sister-in-law and I have known each other since middle-school and I feel sorry that she feels that she must work out three times a day, eat little, and now get a boob job to feel good about herself. One of the lessons I am learning from my experience with them, is realizing what it is that I want in my life and not making any apologies for it nor letting their judgements affect how I live my life.
I am an only parent raising a beautiful young man. He is thoughtful, respectful, funny, kind, and inquisitive. I am starting grad school in two weeks and worked my butt off for the past year, finishing up my undergrad in record time and carrying more hours a quarter than I’d like to admit. I’m involved in my son’s school, in his swimming and swim team, and get to manage absolutely everything about our life and our future. When I may question any of my decisions or need to make a decision – it is me and me alone that makes them. When I am trying to figure out how to react (or not react) to something my son does (or doesn’t do), I’m the only one figuring it out. There is no one else to bounce things off of, to take a role in the situation, to counteract or balance my flipping of my lid. It’s me and me alone. I think I’m doing pretty damn good.
But still…
I want feel better in my own skin and I have always loved lifting and running. I love how my body changes, my mood changes, and my outlook is different. As I head into grad school and become a mental health practitioner, it is important that I take care of my mind and my body. Part of this is working through feelings of circumstances with family and friends, the death of my husband, the stress of being an only parent, and what my future entails. It is the mental and the physical that needs to be worked on and processed through and this is why my daily lifting sessions, meditation and mindfulness practice, my writing, and my connections with my son are important to establish now and put as a priority.
On this journey through widowhood and my life afterwards, I have come to realize that those that judge me, my life and my decisions, are the ones that are most uncomfortable with their own existence in the world. I remember a time where I embraced life more, took more chances, cared for myself more, all because I truly understood the finiteness of life. I’ve let a bit of this go over the past few years and it has affected the relationships I’ve been in, my friendships and other relationships. I’m at the point where I am figuring out who I am on my own, as that only parent. I no longer wonder what my late husband would do in particular situations but at the same time, I haven’t looked deeply at what my core is.
This is where I am now. Finding my core (and my abs of steel) and letting those that honestly, probably don’t want to be a part of my life, go. They won’t be far and there will always be opportunities to come together but it will be on my terms next time and I will respect myself more and not let them get away with snide remarks and belittling. I’m ready to stand firm in who I am and to work on these things, inside and out, so that I am here for my son and here for myself, for a very long time.
beautyreflected 